the river might be far from sight but the scent is nearer to thee the waters might be unseen but the splashing inflow and outflow is so close to thee the life the river bring forth birds cry birds sing green grass happy treeland the life the river brings is not only to thee

life is peaceful and cosy with you in my life and i am writing of the beauty of you i am thankful for you life is peaceful and rosy with you my dear being dear to me is being real to me life gets so clear and so real so warm and kind to me i am cheerful and warm inside the warmth is so deep inside and the comfort is most precious with you in my life i see the rainbow shining down on us embracing us in its colourful glow how it does wonders to the human mind how it brings wonders to the eyes of the children and so much joy to our eyes, in friendship shared life is being clear and friendly i am thankful for you in my life it is being extraordinary with you in my life

i worship the ground you walk on i trust and respect you i worship your decisions i believe you are perfect in your own perfect world i trust you are great in your own greatest way but you are human...you have a good heart something as hard as loosing someone like you i never felt to find out something as shocking as finding out more about you i never knew well....it doesnt matter anymore anyway the future is all that matters anymore

go green

green is so going and i go for green grinning is beautiful and i do it often green gives me a bright day grining gives me a grin back so i do it often i love green, it sparkles with life it beams with new life it makes me fresh and happy it makes my world go green it makes my world alive so i do green often

i am very soft inside. my heart is soft. i drink occasionally and i dont smoke. i am too soft inside...at least some people think so and my mother wants me to be tougher, more decisive and more mature but i do, i try to in my own way. i am a good woman, i have idolic status, i am my own star and i twinkle with beauty and flicker with hopefulness and so much love. i am a queen, my throne shines like a soft but deep rich yellow element, my golden stone. i am of a mother-status to my siblings, i am more than a sister..................and more than a mother. i am a friend. i am a teacher. i am all............................ i sacrificed my studies.....my youth and my most of my life. i gave in to so much, i gave up so much......to take care of them, after everyone left home...each one of family left and deserted the home, the life and their copies behind. i had to be there for the left behind. i had to be there for the two girls who were still in primary school, the lowest grade of education....one boy who quit school and went to the cattle posts right away, to date. so i started giving so much attention and care, which i still do. i give my free time to the unfortunate, i volunteer to orphanage centers whenever i can wherever i be at. i have grown to love kids......they bring so much life and meaning and seeing them.....makes me see peace and growth and hope in the world...........innocence......fragile and lovable thats how they are and that is what they need and that is how the world should be and that is how this world needs right now........to change. i hate pain and suffering. i love peace.....smooth runnings....sweet and warm surroundings, good environments and harmony atmosphere. i quit my boarding school and stayed home....walked three kilometers to attain my high school certificate, to and fro. only to be there for the left home souls, for the left home innocence, for the fragile lovable mine siblings. i felt to be there because i was the only one they were looking to, they were seeing, so i quit my boarding school and stayed home.......to take care and look after Retah, six years old and Thulani four, by then. i like love. i love loving......i have plenty of love to give and love to be loved, more or the same way. yet i have so much pain. and i have a knot in my heart i need you to help me untie it. i love kind surroundings in the home...cheerful atmosphere. even if it is so painful, even if it so hard living, but the little oxygen we survive by..... we should be grateful for and keep praying and hoping for more softer whispers in the afternoons and during the nights, warm hugs and embraces, lively households and rooms full of sunshine and air, more comfortable good living.

i am not sure what kind of living is up ahead of me but i trust the route is chiseled and the gravel is graded and the sand is fine. so far not bad......i encounter varieties of total opposites, varieties of total agendas and motives. why do we keep on meeting the wrong ones, are the right ones not yet born.......

good peoples of me, good peoples like me and good relations of mankind.

i am patient and tolerant, i always blame myself and i cannot blame the other. i take in the guilt and drink it like it is nourishing, i take the blame and in the end i feel so bad.......

i always listen and put first peoples feelings and thoughts and in the end i am intimidated. but i have learnt from the best. now i know i have to be very careful with relations. i know i have not to feel that too deeply because if i drink in the guilt, and the shame, and the blame......it is so hard to recover, it is soul consuming and it is total torture and it is hard to feel self love and self worth again. and to love oneself is needed to love another self..............

i tried being with a woman and to be honest it is a great feeling but i always missed that male companionship......

i tried dating sites and to be honest that is not how i want to start.....that is not how i should continue, maybe to the end........maybe.

i try to remain patient, i know God will never punish angels like me.......that i know. i know so because God has His own reasons why every situation is in a situation. and no situation lasts in a situation, no moment lasts forever, only in Heaven. that is because God has His own agenda and we operate by it by Him and by His will.

pain tores at my heart but i know my Creator always gives me strength. i am strong and always come around because you cannot keep a good woman down. i know some good rainy day i will come around, and all this pain will be washed away into the sand.

i am crying, warm tears run down my cheeks and would love to imagine you holding me until they stop. i hear your voice...............

god will take us through all this pain and hurt

and will find us places and people who are soft and tender to us

people who care and love us

people who appreciate us,

people who don't demand that we take the blame anymore...

people of the same heart....

people who are of us....grown from us and connected to us

the real healthy ones we are longing to be.....

tender hearts loving soft soul..........................it says.

i believe every whisper you say. of course God will not punish me but protect me. whether it is with a man or with a woman, i will find time, companionship and companions. but life can be like the desert, it can need a long time, much patience, endurance and strength, long walking and riding until the water source is found, the well, the nourishing and healing elements of our lives.

i snuggle up in bed ready to fall asleep...........i smile and i feel at peace.

waiting

faces and bodies in line waiting for them happy faces somber faces grins and smiles waiting for them sitting back to back all eyes to the entry and exit to see who walks and goes out happy people sad people in line waiting for them eyes on the next walk-in to see who's next walk-out because it might be whos next visitor because whos next visitor might be my next visitor and my next visitor might be your next visitor some happy people some cheerful faces eyes glued to the paper jaws at work....chewing gum some are chitchatting to the next whos visitor to the phone...... to the mind some tired people some moody people heavy luggaged backs walkin heavy tired legs walkin heavy tired eyes look on minds astray with thoughts thoughts that trouble the mind all through the day....alll through the night as we slumber in dreamland...

tonight

for the whole of this week since last Friday, i have been working for longer hours, from 8am to 8pm.....!! do you think this is sane? no breaks and lunch is on the desk right at work and lunch time thats when its busier at the office. so i feel so exhausted tonight. my friends are all excited about the weekend but am all gloomy and sleepy...and guess what, am still here...working! ts crazy. but this job that tires me so bad is the one that's keeping me off the streets....and there is too much clubbing and partying around here and the pressure from friends is unbearable...so my tiring schedule is a good excuse to keep off the dance floor....... so tonight my head is falling off my system, it is being disconnected and my eyes are so red with pain from the computer, and my head is throbbing, i cant think straight....and my brain is leaking i wish somebody would lick it. my feet hurt they need some good strong hands to work on them. and my back................!! GOD help me..........tonight am going to lie down in a hot bath with special oils and salts....wake me up if i fall asleep i might drown............. i know with the sunrise i will be a good new spirit...the sun does wonders to my soul......it soothes my spirits no matter how hard things might be........ be in the sun and enjoy the shine

when i was still young at a tender age of 12.....i always thought life would be much easier at from my mid 20s.and when i was in high school at a ripe age of 19...i always thought school sucks and never stopped fantasising about getting a good job and always saw myself going to and from work, wearing my nice executive suit and looking all classy. what i didn't know is school marks and school work is just what makes my future. at least i managed to complete all of my secondary education and tertiary too. though i studied what i didn't like at tertiary but it gave me a salary later on during the years. i only realised where my passion lied and still is, but i guess i needed proper guidance in career, it was there i just didnt give it much attention thats all. thanks to my Creator i managed to sustain myself and my siblings through the years from a well paying job i landed right after tertiary with my secretarial skills. four years down the lane i lost my job....i still dont know the reason behind but i think i have a clue and am not sharing it, am keeping it to myself sorry.......some other time.... with the little that i was packaged with, i went back home...some thousand kilometers away from the city and started some living. during my working days i would come and go back on holidays and when on leave, so most people didnt know me much and would ask everytime they saw me around. so this time i was the village belle and guys would kill for a chat with me and some would even go much much further .......................up and down the lane.........only to for a halt ahead. getting home was the most exciting experience for my mother and my siblings, being home was not the best of my times because i needed to work and make some living, i needed to take care of my sisters like i always did, so being home meant my mother had to take care of me and them as well, and i never wanted that at my age for that matter. so i made sure nobody lacked a thing and at the same time i was busy with job hunting....how that frustrates! making applications and posting them but no response, going for enterview but no response and all that frustrated me. but i still had something to keep us going and my mom's salary also kept both of us sustained. and then it hit me and right away i went for it and made it for myself and my family. i opened a bar and operated it. it was quite some job that one and an experiment it was..... to be cont...

you scare me

february 10,2007 i am afraid of you when i get some chance to come see you when i find some means to come over to see you i cant, because u scare me you scare me with what you want you want what i don't have you hear stories about me so you say and you want explanations which i don't have and how you want them i don't like because you scare me i am afraid of you.....i am scared of you because it is so hard for me......this love i have for u has never died and this month is the most painful..... i cant deal with this....its too much for me and i am scared and hurting when i am like this the world around me gets dark spins around and swirls..... the light inside of my heart dies the light inside of my eyes just blows out my tear glands get so painful i cant hold them no more and i cant let that happen to me.... not any more

about me

as far as i come from..i have been stronng as long as i go...i hope to be strong i have something inside of me...it feels like a knife in my heart but as long as i remember..as long as i have this pain...and as long as i go on i will be strong aside with negative thoughts for they bring negative deeds leaving negative memories find something about me i never... i am beautiful...inside out i am open...i give out i have plenty of love to give.. but nobody appreciates i value myself anyway... i accept myself anyway... i embrace myself anyway..... i have wronged..i have hurt therefore everybody gets judgemental i accept myself anyway... i forgive to unblock my blessings.. i confess to the Most High for He paid the price to attain my records i am clean and i am unique... i am glad because i am blessed so, i am special.... i take occassional risks for rich experiences lead to rich memories at last, memories are all we have got.... coming a long way.... years of sunrises and sunsets.... months of promises.... weeks of hopes and dreams.... when i am happy i am extraordinary when am hurting the light inside of me just dies....blows out... and i cant let that happen...not anymore.... but here i am.... still going strong.... still beautiful..... loving myself... like never....

i am

i am sitting on my one room, on my bed made of bricks lied together making a hard and strong base for my mattress...my back supported by my wall, on my lap lies my portfolio.....where i put down my thoughts, my dreams and my life.......setbacks and disappointments......hopes and promises....heartaches and headaches.....tears and rears...cheers and laughters................ as i look up the roofing my mind goes back to the time i was sitting on the same patch but the only difference is now i am in another town from the previous one...., and this one is not very far from my home village but the previous one was some thousand kilometers away and on a very rough patch by then and nobody to look at for some help, it was a new village, new people new environment, new house same experiment same feeling of hopelessness and hurt, same regrets and same person, same portfolio and same sitting pattern same posture and same thoughts same mind, same tears and equal heart...... 15 months ago everything looked and felt axactly the same except i had something to eat, a television set to watch, a wireless to play my music but miserable and fragile i felt like now. and now i only have in the room my luggage onto my chair, my handbag onto my 'bed' my two shoe pairs and a glass of water to keep my soul quenched.... where am i heading to.....and what is all this i feel i go through, telling me? am i not learning from all of this? am i not looking back at the basics to make corrections? like Kojo Baffoe has said,' excellence is about going back to basics and asking "how do i become better at this" why cant i do just that............ when this year started, the joys and reflects of point nil nil seven filled my heart.......and all the previous living had to be some learning curve and growth for myself at least thats what i expected but as i look up this iron sheets and read the bumpy lining on them i wonder, how can one same person go through one same patch and not grow from it and avoid it and learn from it and so on and so on...and maybe get a life! i keep praying for personal growth and guidance and strength. i may not be doing some things correctly, i might be not on the right route but i trust Jah is right here beside me on the same patch same posture straightening out His powers to touch me i recieve His blessings and believe am not alone.......He leads the way........

easy

i am fortunate these days because it is so easy it is easy for me throughout the day it is easy for me to wake up to a beautiful morning... it is easy to fall asleep.....to dream... dreams are my living....i live what i dream.... and dream what i live.... so easy for me.... and easy for the fortunate like me... but i dream restlessly for many wishes beyond and live for many years beyond and see the better world tomorrow the greater sunshine for all the enlightened soul the refreshed mind the cheerful faces the smiles on every face i'd see so easy for the fortunate like me..... but i dread for the day the world is crushed.... because it will be easy no more........ keep dreaming...keep living......

last night

it was windy and very cold, with dry leaves everywhere...on the road....i could see them falling down from their branches as i drove by in a taxi, i could feel them rustling as they rubbed together....that soft crackling sound they make......it is music.....so when i reached home, i was so cold but managed to make some fire,put the kettle on for a cup of coffee before i warmed myself up.. standing there before the coming up fire, still the music was playing on my ears, music from tree leaves brushing and falling...... when i looked up the sky.....the stars.....and the music.....light filled my heart....i was smiling.... and then my kettle was boiling so i gathered my cup with sugars and coffees..... getting ready for a hot drink..... standing there by the crackling fire.....i could feel my coffee warming up my insides as i was sipping it slowly and slowly...... night bugs....dry leaves.....fire...log breaking....a squirel ran by breaking a twig....all was music to my soul and drama to my tired looking eyes.... gathering myself up ready for bedtime........... i hated leaving behind all that life but couldnt wait to feel the soft cushions of my bedcovers..... and the music still plays this morning as i write this.........

trying times

i tried so hard to make it to a place where i was sure i made myself a shell on the sand but the sea was insecure i washed the pain in the summer rain, but the clouds were moving north i turned the page on another age, but the people starved for more i went inland and wrote in the sand of the birth of the aeroplane i sang to the bush of the city confusion, tightening the pain i danced to some thumb-piano and drum, before i fell to faint i left the rhyme and the travel of time to the hungry and depressed the hunters hide and the sailors cry, for the game is emptiness for the seeking man doing what he can, for an hour in the dust of the wasted warm electric storm, your love held me in trust

i loved u

i love you l love you now am gonna love you tomorrow i loved you yesterday until you tell me to stop until you tell me its enough until you tell them its too much for u but love aint never enough love aint never not ever my friend...

am ready...

this one i composed it on 20th july 2007...after feeling love for somebody who'd long ago proposed marriage to me...but wasnt ready by then....unfortunately on the 20th of july wen i was ready to tell him...he wasnt interested anymore...... imagine how excited i was when writing this to him.... am ready to think of smothing am ready to tell you something something you'v been waiting for something you'v been dying for atsee mae i have something you'v dying to hear its one that you'v been wanting to know i am ready.... as my mouth opens and my eye twinckle with light full of love my eyeballs sparkle with excitement my smiling glands twitch getting ready to tell you feeling ready to let you know i am ready... atsee mae, its something you are dying to hear something you are waiting for somthing you are dying to feel somethings you'v been waiting for i am ready... atsee mae, xham tsiaraa... i am ready to love you (atsee mae is a sesarwa word for hey dear/hey you)

when i look at the stars when i look at the stairs when i look at the birds when i look at their beds when i look at the trees when i look at their branches i see beauty tell me what do you see when i see the sun when i feel the rays when i look at the moonfull sky when i look at the sunset lit horizon i feel at peace tell me what do you feel when you stare at me when i stare at a child when i stare into those eyes and you look into their soul and look into my soul tell me what do you see when i touch those tiny legs when i feel those tiny fingers and i feel that velvet soft skin i am filled with joy i feel at peace tell me what do you feel when i hear a bird cry i hear tiny birds singing i look up the clear blue sky i hear music in my ear music fills the earth music to affirm our species tell me what do you feel i feel at peace i feel the love i feel my smiling glands twitch joy fills my heart light fills my heart tell me what do you feel

when i hear a baby laughing when i see a child smiling their smiling eyes the world around me is filled with peace my world is filled with love tell me what do you see harmony and warmth i feel at peace think of me... forget us not think of them forget them not think of those forget them not remember all whenever you go...