coulda, shoulda, woulda

there is numbness, disbelief,shock, anger, and guilt. these are some of the feelings we feel after something horrific has happened to us. the same feelings we feel when we mourn the loss of a loved one. there is also fear,dirt,shame, hopelessness, anxiety and most of all fear and distrust. there is all blame in us, 'we should have, we could have, and would have' are so countless. i should have locked my security door, i alwasy do, but that night i only hooked it in and was rushing to watch my favourite tv show, already i had missed a good 15 minutes of it. i should have had my self defence weapons next to me on the bed where i normally have them, my pocket knife, my household insectisides spray, which i had been promising myself to replace it with a spray gun and never really gotten to....... eventually a sense of confort sinks in, the more you get familiar with the neighbours, the neighbourhood and streets, the less measures of security you take, it started with my insectiside spray when i thought it would accidentally get into my eyes, then i put it on the headboard lamp side, the knife in the drawer, only had my phone ready for a speed dial for emergency numbers, under my pillow. healing takes a great while. personal and self strength and faith is enough for us to start on the highway to our own self again......