i am very soft inside. my heart is soft. i drink occasionally and i dont smoke. i am too soft inside...at least some people think so and my mother wants me to be tougher, more decisive and more mature but i do, i try to in my own way. i am a good woman, i have idolic status, i am my own star and i twinkle with beauty and flicker with hopefulness and so much love. i am a queen, my throne shines like a soft but deep rich yellow element, my golden stone. i am of a mother-status to my siblings, i am more than a sister..................and more than a mother. i am a friend. i am a teacher. i am all............................ i sacrificed my studies.....my youth and my most of my life. i gave in to so much, i gave up so much......to take care of them, after everyone left home...each one of family left and deserted the home, the life and their copies behind. i had to be there for the left behind. i had to be there for the two girls who were still in primary school, the lowest grade of education....one boy who quit school and went to the cattle posts right away, to date. so i started giving so much attention and care, which i still do. i give my free time to the unfortunate, i volunteer to orphanage centers whenever i can wherever i be at. i have grown to love kids......they bring so much life and meaning and seeing them.....makes me see peace and growth and hope in the world...........innocence......fragile and lovable thats how they are and that is what they need and that is how the world should be and that is how this world needs right now........to change. i hate pain and suffering. i love peace.....smooth runnings....sweet and warm surroundings, good environments and harmony atmosphere. i quit my boarding school and stayed home....walked three kilometers to attain my high school certificate, to and fro. only to be there for the left home souls, for the left home innocence, for the fragile lovable mine siblings. i felt to be there because i was the only one they were looking to, they were seeing, so i quit my boarding school and stayed home.......to take care and look after Retah, six years old and Thulani four, by then. i like love. i love loving......i have plenty of love to give and love to be loved, more or the same way. yet i have so much pain. and i have a knot in my heart i need you to help me untie it. i love kind surroundings in the home...cheerful atmosphere. even if it is so painful, even if it so hard living, but the little oxygen we survive by..... we should be grateful for and keep praying and hoping for more softer whispers in the afternoons and during the nights, warm hugs and embraces, lively households and rooms full of sunshine and air, more comfortable good living.

i am not sure what kind of living is up ahead of me but i trust the route is chiseled and the gravel is graded and the sand is fine. so far not bad......i encounter varieties of total opposites, varieties of total agendas and motives. why do we keep on meeting the wrong ones, are the right ones not yet born.......

good peoples of me, good peoples like me and good relations of mankind.

i am patient and tolerant, i always blame myself and i cannot blame the other. i take in the guilt and drink it like it is nourishing, i take the blame and in the end i feel so bad.......

i always listen and put first peoples feelings and thoughts and in the end i am intimidated. but i have learnt from the best. now i know i have to be very careful with relations. i know i have not to feel that too deeply because if i drink in the guilt, and the shame, and the blame......it is so hard to recover, it is soul consuming and it is total torture and it is hard to feel self love and self worth again. and to love oneself is needed to love another self..............

i tried being with a woman and to be honest it is a great feeling but i always missed that male companionship......

i tried dating sites and to be honest that is not how i want to start.....that is not how i should continue, maybe to the end........maybe.

i try to remain patient, i know God will never punish angels like me.......that i know. i know so because God has His own reasons why every situation is in a situation. and no situation lasts in a situation, no moment lasts forever, only in Heaven. that is because God has His own agenda and we operate by it by Him and by His will.

pain tores at my heart but i know my Creator always gives me strength. i am strong and always come around because you cannot keep a good woman down. i know some good rainy day i will come around, and all this pain will be washed away into the sand.

i am crying, warm tears run down my cheeks and would love to imagine you holding me until they stop. i hear your voice...............

god will take us through all this pain and hurt

and will find us places and people who are soft and tender to us

people who care and love us

people who appreciate us,

people who don't demand that we take the blame anymore...

people of the same heart....

people who are of us....grown from us and connected to us

the real healthy ones we are longing to be.....

tender hearts loving soft soul..........................it says.

i believe every whisper you say. of course God will not punish me but protect me. whether it is with a man or with a woman, i will find time, companionship and companions. but life can be like the desert, it can need a long time, much patience, endurance and strength, long walking and riding until the water source is found, the well, the nourishing and healing elements of our lives.

i snuggle up in bed ready to fall asleep...........i smile and i feel at peace.